Paying through the chest

This week Dundee university academic and awful human; Sue Rabbit Roff suggested that students should be encouraged to sell vital organs in order to meet tuition fee payments. This brave step towards farming the poor will ensure that  beleaguered  students will be able to fund their degree simply by enduring a life threatening operation. After all they can always buy the absent organ back upon graduating (A better, younger kidney!) assuming they survive. Eusafishes has seen the cold, sterile light of the future and has published a helpful guide. Students, we can take selling ourselves to a new low together.

The future of SAAS payments

The Organ: Kidney

Dialysis will soon become a thing of the past (for the rich) as kidney sales become the in-thang for debt ridden students.

How much is it worth?:

Around £55,000/ two thirds of a Jaguar XKR/ over 500,000 value noodles.

Just how essential is it?:

We have two of them and we only need one. However donate one and the other fails, side effects are likely (most likely death). In today’s climate I like those odds. (Note-Consuming  500,000 packs of value super noodles or attempting to drive two thirds of a car will likely induce failure.)

The Organ: Lungs

Breathing is something that never goes out of fashion and with smoking remaining as cool as ever the market for lungs is poised to breathe new life (ahh, get it?) into our sluggish economy.

How much is it worth?

Around £70,000/ One bottle of 1945 Chateau Mouton red wine (Undrinkable: See kidney failure) or 3501 extra large pizzas from Papa Johns.

Just how essential is it?:

When formulating your to-do list breathing should be task number one. This risky move is for the thrill seeking investor. (Note- Thrill seeking capabilities will be seriously impaired post op.)

The Organ: Heart

Due to the human desire for self preservation the heart market looks far from jump-starting but remains a canny slow burn for the immoral investor. Not recommended for those undertaking  degrees longer than seven minutes.

How much is it worth?:

£34,747 or a fancy funeral.

Just how essential is it?

Pretty fucking essential but by this point we’d have sold our souls anyway.

Yours in disgust, Kieran.

About eusafishes

Swimming the seas of Edinburgh student politics
This entry was posted in kidney failure, politics, poverty, unnecessary surgery and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Paying through the chest

  1. Pingback: Free Unfettered Organ Markets – Sell Your Kidney for an MBA, JD or MD | ChristWire

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