Guess who’s back?

We be back.

But we be different.

Be worried.

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DOUBLE EXCLUSIVE POWERSLAM COMBO: Tommer Spence’s Posters Allowed Again

As we had previously posted, VPS and VPSA candidate Tommer Spence was forced to remove all of his posters. This was due to them promoting both his VPS and VPSA candidacies at the same time.

But now, after we were contacted by Tommer himself, it appears that the returning officer has deemed the posters legal, and they will be back up tomorrow morning.

Your beloved correspondent has no idea what the fuck is going on any more and just wants a nap.

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EXCLUSIVE: Tommer Spence Posters Removed By EUSA

Another twist in what might be the biggest clusterfuck of an election ever has unfurled itself across campus. We hear that Tommer Spence, who is running for both VPS and VPSA, has had his posters removed by EUSA staff. This is most likely due to election regulation 2.3.1, which relates to printed material:

“Candidates standing for more than one position must order separate publicity for each position, and such publicity must specify the particular position to which it relates.”

It is unclear whether this extends to online publicity, as Tommer’s Facebook page and website are both still available at the time of writing.

With only two days left of campaigning and voting, we really do hope Tommer is pally with a reliable printshop. And in an election where there’s been enough controversy, we’re sure this will help calm everyone down, look at life in perspective, and chill the fuck out.

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Candidate Run Down: Fit The Third – VP Academic Affairs (Real Talk Edition)

I’ve always tried to be open about where I stand on things round these parts, and in that spirit I need to declare that I have been actively supporting Dash Sekhar in his campaign for VP Academic Affairs. After speaking to the other candidates for the position, I’ve decided not to do a piece for VPAA like I have the other sabb positions.

I’ve supported other people in elections before, but I’ve always tried to make it fairly obvious where I am politically (evil commie pinko, in case you’re wondering), in the belief that doing so is an important part of being fair to candidates as well as readers.

However, this year I’ve been more heavily involved in a campaign for a single person than I have done in the past. Therefore, I’ve decided to step back on this one.

Your candidates for VPAA are:

  • Asher Chase
  • Hannah Moe
  • Dash Sekhar
  • Will Thwaites
  • Mike Yeomans

You can find their manifestos here.

Normal service will be resumed shortly.



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Candidate Run Down – Fit The Second: VP Societies & Activities

VPSA has always been a bit of an odd position, cobbled together from somewhat unrelated areas, a Frankenstein of democratic oversight. Responsibility for societies and the vaguely sinister sounding “activities” (we were always left out of organised fun as a child) is clear from the Ronseal principle. However, unlike the trusty woodstain, there’s more to the job than is initially obvious. Student welfare, as well as promoting liberation and equality campaigns are also within the remit. The issue for candidates is trying to work all these broad concerns into one coherent, related set of ideas. Let’s see how they’re doing…

Oh and block booking day. Dear god someone please sort out block booking day.

Margus “My Favourite Prodigy Album Is Fat Of The” Lind

Margus' head doesn't exist beyond his hairline, true story

Margus’ head doesn’t exist beyond his hairline, true story

With experience on societies council and as President of Salsa Soc (we assume the dancing style, not the chunky sauce), Margus has probably the most emphasis on societies out of the three hopefuls.  He is promising to “create a personal connection with the societies” by communicating more often with society committees and building up smaller ones. He is also promoting societies as a way of building support networks for students and breaking down cultural barriers.

We do have to mention, however, a bit of a clanger he dropped at the debate. Whilst the subject of a full time Womens’ Officer was being discussed (no, we’re not sure how we ended up there), Margus responded by asking “then why don’t we have a Chinese Officer?”. We understand his point about the difficulties representing all sections of the student population, and are willing to give him some benefit of the doubt. However this doesn’t take away from the fact that after he said this, eyebrows were raised so quickly and violently that we think a few eyeballs popped out.

Margus is easily the least hackish person running, in a year where “not being a hack” is something a lot of people are running on. Despite his fumble at the hustings, can he rally to put over his pragmatic platform?

Eve “Not A Dr I Presume” Livingston

Part human, part mug

Part human, part mug

Current station manager at Fresh Air, Eve will be hoping to breathe fresh air into EUSA. (See that grade A wordplay shit? That’s why we’re the biggest politics blog on the scene). Eve is very much pushing the welfare aspect of the position, pushing for improvements to the counselling service, more outreach and education on sexual health, and going after the infamous dickbags that are the landlords of Edinburgh.

There were some doubts raised at the debate regarding policies to introduce a student budgeting app and free fitness classes, specifically regarding the cost. EUSA’s finances have been solid as a Jenga tower made from blancmange in an earthquake recently (although a surplus is expected this year, presumably driven by the mass consumption of curly fries), and it was asked how Eve planned to fund these projects. Personally, we recommend that the sabbs learn to play the bagpipes and busk on the Royal Mile, tourists eat that shit up.

Welfare and mental health are more prominent this year than they maybe ever have been, even in VPAA campaigns where you wouldn’t traditionally expect to find them. By putting it front and centre of her campaign, we may see a new Eve of how students’ wellbeing is treated (Again, see them puns? Gold. Solid gold).

Tommer Spence

Tommer showing off a Blue Steel that Derek Zoolander himself would be proud of

Tommer showing off a Blue Steel that Derek Zoolander himself would be proud of

Oh man. So as many of you will be aware by now, Tommer is running not only for VPSA, but also VP Services. Someone running for two sabb position at the same time has never happened before, is sort of confusing, and makes comparison to Margus and Eve a bit difficult. Tommer maintains that he can fulfil his manifesto from either position, and that the current sabbatical roles are in need of reform. He has also said he doesn’t know what he would do should he win both elections, leading to speculation of a shock twist ending at the results night where we discover Tommer’s identical twin/clone/alternate universe version of himself.

Tommer could well claim to be the most seasoned hack in the race, with 2 year’s experience in EUSA, and also as an NUS delegate. One area of policy where we can make direct comparisons to the other candidates are societies, with redevelopment of Pleasance to make it the “hub of societies” a headline pledge, and emphasising the benefits of volunteering. Welfare is another area where there a clear parallels to be drawn – he suggests setting up weekly welfare related events, getting a dentist in Potterrow (before it becomes a concert hall, presumably) and shares Eve’s focus on sexual health.

Student politics has a way of surprising you just as soon as you think you know it all, and Tommer’s doubling up on sabb campaigns has caught pretty much everyone by surprise. It is also a huge gamble, with no-one sure how it will play out at the voting booths (which are actually a web page, but work with us here). Tommer is trying to convince people that he deserves a mandate to overhaul EUSA, as well as being fully committed to a role when he’s not sure what that role will be. We live in interesting times, dear reader…

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Candidate Run Down: Fit The First – President

The top dog. The commander-in-chief. The person who sends emails to everyone now and again. However you want to describe them, President is far and away the most important position up for grabs (which might not necessarily be a good thing, but we’re not getting into the re-structuring of sabb roles here). Four go in, one comes out. And as everyone knows, there can be only one…

Kirsty “While The Sun Shines You Should Make” Haigh

Kirsty hates scissors

Kirsty hates scissors

The obvious talking point about Kirsty’s run for president is the fact that she is already a sabb, and the first person to seek a second year in the Potterrow office. We predicted grumbling about this, and grumbling there has been, with alleged source of news The Tab being the most vocal so far.

Getting away from constitutional clusterfuckery, Kirsty seems to be focusing on dealing with EUSA’s hilariously/terrifyingly messed up finances, the old lefty stand-by of free education, and continuing work on ethical investment by the university. Will Kirsty make Haigh while the sun… oh we’ve made that joke already. Bugger.

(Also a quick mention of new hack rumour mill EUSAnasia, who called her campaign manager and former VP Services Max Crema an “Über-trot”. We’d comment more on this, but after last year’s ScandalGate we know for a fact he’s been called much, much worse.)

Briana “Clothes” Pegado

Briana when she visited the set of Third Encounters Of The Third Kind

Briana when she visited the set of Third Encounters Of The Third Kind

Making a second stab at becoming president via the crooked blade of representative democracy, Briana is running on the slogan of “Putting the U back in EUSA”. We’d critique the wordplay, but considering we’ve based an entire blog on crap puns, we better not. We really have to mention her website, which is incredibly swish. It also has a fairly huge amount of stuff on it, with sections dedicated to “Briana’s lifestyle”, “Briana’s movement”, and a quote from Socrates. Not the Greek philosopher Socrates, however (or even the Brazilian midfielder), but a character from a semi-fictional self-help book.

Policy wise, Briana is going for the “pragmatic” and “back to basics” approach, with notable areas of interest being international students and their shoddy treatment by immigration authorities, specific policies for the “other” campuses (as a KB native, your beloved correspondent appreciates this) and improving the counselling service.

There’s a long history of second attempts at sabb campaigns being successful stretching back to Liz Rawlings in 2009, a trend we assume Briana hopes continues.

Dan Scott “Not Of The Antarctic” Lintott

We can't find a photo of Dan that we can make a joke about. Gutted.

We can’t find a photo of Dan that we can make a joke about. Gutted.

Former Student editor and the apparent dark horse, Dan is the obligatory “I’m ain’t no cliquey EUSA insider” candidate for this year. Dan has got a lot of early hype, largely down to a slick campaign video where he walks towards the camera whilst talking a lot, before people throw glitter at him whilst techno plays.

Dan has a lot on student welfare in his manifesto, with the counselling service, zero tolerance for sexual harassment and giving C Cards to all freshers featuring prominently. He is also running on a £1 shots in Big Cheese platform, which although a refreshing twist on the “cheaper pints in Teviot” policy, is still a variation on a well-worn theme.

Dan is most definitely an outside candidate, but is wearing that badge quite proudly. He’s not the first to do so though, and the obvious downside of deliberately not appealing to hacks is that hacks are far and away the most likely to actually vote. Can the dark horse finally win?

Jacob Webber

Crikey... After four years, we're finally stumped. We've got nothing on this.

Crikey… After four years, we’re finally stumped. We’ve got nothing on this.

Look, we’re going to be honest here – making a funny student politics blog that isn’t just calling people names is hard, alright? There’s only so many jokes you can make about democratic reform before you start repeating yourself. When we’re given fresh material, we’re on it like Ana Matronic.

Jacob’s campaign has some pretty decent policies, especially on tackling dodgy landlords, but the main thing everyone noticed is that it’s more surreal than Salividor Dali is actually a washing machine. This makes our lives way easier, and although he has probably the least likely to win, we are thankful to him for giving us something un-boring to work with if nothing else.

So, er, look at that chest hair eh?

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This year’s sabb candidates (maybe)

Dear readers, as you are surely aware, we here at Eusafishes are incredibly lazy diligent in our search for truth and clarity. And in this never-ending quest, we might, might have just found out who is running for sabbatical positions this year.

Two things to note:

  1. This is in absolutely no way a definitive or certified list, and might be absolute cobblers.
  2. It’s pretty hard to make this funny, so here’s a hilarious wrestling gif to liven things up a bit
Kurt Angle could sell false teeth to starfish

Kurt Angle could sell false teeth to a starfish


  • Kirsty Haigh
  • Briana Pegado
  • Daniel Scott Lintott
  • Jacob Webber

VP Services & Activities

  • Tasha Boardman
  • Luke Campbell
  • Tommer Spence
  • Raul Ignacio Torrenegra

VP Societies & Activities

  • Margus Lind
  • Eve Livingstone
  • Tommer Spence

VP Academic Affairs

  • Asher Chase
  • Hannah Moessinger
  • Dash Sekhar
  • Will Thwaites
  • Mike Yeomans

We’ve also heard rumours about some bloke called Ron, who appears to be linked to every bloody position going. We feel confident in declaring this as a bunch of hooey.

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