“Everything smells of us” croaked Adam, the impoverished Co-President for Eternity of Eusafishes. It has been seven months since the occupation of our flat began. At first things were easy; with our seemingly endless supply of rolled oats and (occasional) 24 hour water supply we barely noticed our frequent bouts of scurvy. We found many a way to entertain and amuse ourselves – separating then re-pairing our socks, building a fort out of empty wine bottles and counting our pennies until we we had enough to buy a penny sweet (they cost 2 WHOLE PENCE NOW. Bullshit.) Months passed by, exams were missed, angry emails were sent and indifference took hold. Yes reader! No lectures, none of that bullshit weather, no more forced exercise or dealing with actual people. You might think of this as some sort of North Korea style isolationist paradise. To our dismay, this modern day Eden could not last. After 4 months in solidarity against something presumably bad (which we later forgot about):
WE BEGAN TO FEAR THE SUN
Yes reader, like a pair of fucking Morlocks, we skulked from the hallway of our flat into the searing light, frightening people on their way to and from lectures and clawing at the hands of the postman. After spending most of March regaining the skills of literacy and speech beyond grunts, we have reformulated our demands:
1. All of our previous demands, whatever they may have been
2. Less sun
3. All vitamin D supplements currently available
Until these demands have been met, we will continue our heroic fight against whatever it was we don’t like.
In solidarity/send food!