Poll Dancing

On May the 5th the people of this hilarious country will cram their sturdy frames into primary schools across the nation. This is democracy. Eusafishes has decided to give its own two cents (inflation pending) to the debate.

Leader Profiles

Alex “Our single biggest export will be” Salmond

Alex looking over an invisible wall

Scottish National Party

Rumoured to be the son of William Wallace and a bottlabucky, Salmond was found in the depths of the Scottish National Archive naked, covered in woad and screaming in Pictish. After being taught the English language and the power of the witty retort, he was turned lose upon the Scottish political scene.

Strengths: Can ride The Lion Rampant

Weaknesess: Looks shit in a high-viz jacket

Finishing Move: The Flying Scotsman

Annabel “Ah sold all yer” Goldie

Scottish Conservatives

A secret Thatcher era plot to create the impossible – an electable Scottish Tory. After former leader David McLetchie was accused of making unlawful expenses claims on taxis (to the Caymen Isles), Goldie was elected leader of the Scottish Conservatives on a “How Bad Can It Be?” platform.

Strengths: The ability to summon Thatcher

Weaknesses: Standing in Scotland

Finishing Move: The Spending Slash

Ian “About as interesting as the colour” Gray

"SAALMOOOOOOOOOOOND"

Scottish Labour

Having escaped Inverness during the 1984 Jacobite rebellion, Iain Gray fled to the industrial belt, finding refuge with a family of stereotypical Thatcher hating miners. He then left his adopted family to drift to the centre of Scottish politics.

Strengths: Lack of Weaknesess

Weaknesess: Lack of Strengths

Finishing Move: The Thousand Yard Stare

Patrick “Grand Master of Insulations” Harvie

Scottish Greens

A man too reasonable to be made fun of by an “informative” politics blog. Despite being as abrasive as jelly and as disagreeable as free ice-cream, he has somehow become an elected politician. Like the great green beast of comic book legend, only time will tell if we’ll like him when he’s angry.

Strengths: Not being a dick

Weaknesess: Not enough of a dick

Finishing Move: The Turbine Clothesline

Tavish “I’m not like Clegg, Honest I’m not!” Scott

There is no such thing as an entertaining picture of Tavish Scott

Scottish Liberal Democrats

Discovered 18 miles off the coast of Shetland by an Edinburgh trawler. Upon arrival at Leith docks with nothing but a herring and a burning desire for federalism to his name, he wandered his way to the leadership of the Lib Dems.

Strengths : +5 Shetlandic resistance to cold

Weaknesess: Nick Clegg

Finishing Move: The Pledge Smasher

Eusafishes Predicts…

To form a majority government, any of these colourful characters would have to achieve 65 seats/ a fucking miracle. With this in mind Eusafishes will now mill over the likely results.

  • Labour and SNP to fight over who gets to sit next to the Greens at lunch
  • Lib Dems to check into rehab over “coalition addiction”
  • Inverness Caledonian Thistle 2 – 1 St Mirren
  • Parliament building to become sentient, see its own reflection and destroy itself
  • Another sad Tory conference in Dumfrieshire
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About medeusa

glaring at Edinburgh student politics
This entry was posted in conservatives, elections, greens, labour, lib dems, nonsense, politics, scotland, shetlandic, snp and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Poll Dancing

  1. I’m predicting a bright future for Eusafishes. Go forth young warriors.

  2. James says:

    There is no such thing as an entertaining picture of Tavish Scott

    I beg to differ.

  3. eusafishes says:

    +1 internets to Mr James

  4. Maximiliaan says:

    Prediction: Something will happen in real life, giving bloggers something to write about.

  5. eusafishes says:

    Keyboard hands at the ready.

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