On May the 5th the people of this hilarious country will cram their sturdy frames into primary schools across the nation. This is democracy. Eusafishes has decided to give its own two cents (inflation pending) to the debate.
Alex “Our single biggest export will be” Salmond
Scottish National Party
Rumoured to be the son of William Wallace and a bottlabucky, Salmond was found in the depths of the Scottish National Archive naked, covered in woad and screaming in Pictish. After being taught the English language and the power of the witty retort, he was turned lose upon the Scottish political scene.
Strengths: Can ride The Lion Rampant
Weaknesess: Looks shit in a high-viz jacket
Finishing Move: The Flying Scotsman
Annabel “Ah sold all yer” Goldie
A secret Thatcher era plot to create the impossible – an electable Scottish Tory. After former leader David McLetchie was accused of making unlawful expenses claims on taxis (to the Caymen Isles), Goldie was elected leader of the Scottish Conservatives on a “How Bad Can It Be?” platform.
Strengths: The ability to summon Thatcher
Weaknesses: Standing in Scotland
Finishing Move: The Spending Slash
Ian “About as interesting as the colour” Gray
Having escaped Inverness during the 1984 Jacobite rebellion, Iain Gray fled to the industrial belt, finding refuge with a family of stereotypical Thatcher hating miners. He then left his adopted family to drift to the centre of Scottish politics.
Strengths: Lack of Weaknesess
Weaknesess: Lack of Strengths
Finishing Move: The Thousand Yard Stare
Patrick “Grand Master of Insulations” Harvie
A man too reasonable to be made fun of by an “informative” politics blog. Despite being as abrasive as jelly and as disagreeable as free ice-cream, he has somehow become an elected politician. Like the great green beast of comic book legend, only time will tell if we’ll like him when he’s angry.
Strengths: Not being a dick
Weaknesess: Not enough of a dick
Finishing Move: The Turbine Clothesline
Tavish “I’m not like Clegg, Honest I’m not!” Scott
Scottish Liberal Democrats
Discovered 18 miles off the coast of Shetland by an Edinburgh trawler. Upon arrival at Leith docks with nothing but a herring and a burning desire for federalism to his name, he wandered his way to the leadership of the Lib Dems.
Strengths : +5 Shetlandic resistance to cold
Weaknesess: Nick Clegg
Finishing Move: The Pledge Smasher
To form a majority government, any of these colourful characters would have to achieve 65 seats/ a fucking miracle. With this in mind Eusafishes will now mill over the likely results.
- Labour and SNP to fight over who gets to sit next to the Greens at lunch
- Lib Dems to check into rehab over “coalition addiction”
- Inverness Caledonian Thistle 2 – 1 St Mirren
- Parliament building to become sentient, see its own reflection and destroy itself
- Another sad Tory conference in Dumfrieshire