It’s not a great time to live in the UK – we’ve got a stagnant economy, mass youth unemployment and it’s the time of the year where you can’t buy Creme Eggs any more. It’s becoming increasingly clear that in this modern, fast paced world, Britain is unable to keep up with fitter, healthier nations. In fact, Britain is disabled.
And its not hard to see why. We have a government run by deranged, unstable souls – how else can you explain calling unemployment a “lifestyle choice” while making thousands of people unemployed, thinking that Michael Gove is in any way a mortal creature, or calling for the disabled to “opt-out” of minimum wage? Hell, Nick Clegg’s therapy fees alone could probably feed a small African village for a decade.
We can’t contribute to the world when we’re clearly not up to the job. We need to drastically re-evaluate these namby pamby ideas like “democracy” and “fairness” if we’re to really prosper in the international marketplace. We at Eusafishes have some radical, but achievable, proposals to help Britain get a leg up in the world
1) Scrap minimum numbers of MPs
There are 649 constituencies in the UK. Do we really need an MP for each one? MPs currently waste millions of taxpayer pounds, and the Commons could really do with some efficiency savings. Poorer parts of the UK could choose to give up their right to democratic representation for modest incentives, like not having important public services ripped away from them, or a commemorative plaque of David Cameron spitting on Aneurin Bevan.
2) Re-think how we do diplomacy
We predict that the country will be an utter international laughing stock in about 10-15 years. We won’t be able to actually influence anything in an important way soon enough, but we still might be able to cling on to a few pitiful threads of power through “creative” foreign policy. For example, we could change our role on UN Security Council to a part-time one, covering weekends and holidays, and filling in for Russia when its feeling a bit hungover. We could change the terms of our NATO duties so we can job-share with Norway. We might get kicked out of the G8, but we can ask Canada if they’ll take Danny Alexander along on work experience.
3) Take the Big Society worldwide
After just a year of the Big Society in this country, you can already almost see the effects if you look really hard. But we live in a global society now, and only by exporting this hilarious bullshit can things really get pushed backward. The idea of getting people to do the things you used to pay them for, but without the “pay” bit, can be applied to all sorts of international affairs. The conflict in Libya costing too much? Volunteer fighter pilots! Oil crisis? Send a few boys up to Aberdeen with a pickaxe and a bucket, we’ll be swimming in the stuff in no time! Need to bail out another Eurozone country? Just grab a tin can and have a whip round, we can get a fiver together at least.
These are just a few things we can do to ensure the safe and dismal future of our country. People will say our proposals are “batshit”, but it’s painfully obvious we can’t keep running things like they are. Our outdated views on fair democracy have no place in the modern world. Its time for change.