Oh fuck it’s that time again – the most magical time of year, where the hackdom of EUSA gather together to talk too much about fonts, concoct wild conspiracy theories over poster vandalism, and do some representative democracy on the side. Which also means it’s time for much-loved (yet little-read) EUSA bloggers to excavate their laptops out from the pile of amateurishly drawn My Little Pony fanart, fag ends and concerned letters from our tutors to bring you, our beloved reader, the hypest EUSA news.
This promises to be the most clusterfucky election period in recent memory, with a year of scandal, censorship and outrage pointing towards an election season of many, many confused arguments on Facebook.
But before we delve into the electoral abyss – let’s have some good news. This year, out of 15 candidates for full-time sabbatical positions there are 7 women, with at least one standing for each. Compared to last year, where the male dominated elections (quite rightly) raised a number of concerns, to have women making up damn near half of our prospective sabbs is a Really Great Thing.
Right we all agree about that, don’t we? Oh good (if you don’t please leave).
Because now we get onto the snowballing shitstorm we like to call Scandalgate.
And as gates go, Scandalgate is a doozy – a wild web drawing upon anonymous leaks, secrecy, court orders, anti-monarchism, sexism, backstabbing and intrigue. Basically, it’s a few murders and some clever metaphors about the inherent flaws in power structures away from a half decent sub-plot in The Wire.
Without going into the details of the whole farrago (that’s a whole other post, if not a short novel), the continuing fallout of Scandalgate is already having an impact on how candidates are positioning themselves, taking up calls of “Take Back EUSA“, “a new EUSA”, and “Reclaim EUSA”. These messages are trying to tell us that the allegorical football of our student union has been taken away, and that we really want it back before we have to go home for dinner (the dinner is also allegorical). Of course, exactly who EUSA needs to be rescued from depends on who you ask – careerist would be MPs, power mad Marxists, an unaccountable management or indeed all of the above are popular answers. Sadly, the very real threat of the Cold Blooded Lizard Illuminati and their influence over student politics is, once again, ignored (there’s a reason why Teviot gets really warm).
What do the next two weeks or so hold? In many ways, we already know. There will be passive aggressive subtweets. There will be annoyed Pollock residents. There will be a historic Emergency General Meeting. There will be the results party. There will be the morning after the results party. And somewhere, among all the thunder and smoke, we’ll elect our representatives.
Most of importantly of all though, there will be carp fish puns.